okay, i have no idea where to post this, but at least i figure it's also helpful for a few people.
setup - we play as a group, me and my brother play from our network of course, usually i'm dmz'ed for some hosting capabilities (we host based on the game, e.g i'll host a game like stellaris that benefits from multithreading, since i run a ryzen 1800x,
the i5 that clocks in at 4.5ghz is used for older games, like supcom)
although we have had issues (namely port related juggling), we usually play together without issues once setup.
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we had to tackle an oddity off the bat, my brothers computer and mine could not even see eachother in lobby. as in we could join the same game, but only one at a time. obviously something was funky.
we fixed this by putting his laptop on a lan cable instead. (i use a lan cable too, no wifi)
we could now get further, we could get "establishing connection" in the lobby, but we'd never actually connect.
after consulting the log file, i discovered my machine was sending him off to "redshell.io"...
after a few minutes, i tracked to this to my modified hosts file, first entry for "127.0.0.1" (as in, no redshell function)
...
for whatever reason, my machine was translating it's LOCAL network ip address into 127.0.0.1, and sending the resolved name
(redshell.io) at the client.
since the client does not have the same hosts file, they actually TRY to access redshell.io...
this is a problem in general, since programs use this trick for other reasons, e.g spybot search and destroy adds 1000's of entries to stop your pc accessing nasty websites. (immunization feature).
...
both machines of course, are windows 10 x64, and kept fairly up to date.
they both regularly play many games between them, as well as to a outside server.
in short, it's safe to say it's something closer to the faf client.